Two Eulogies

I have been drifting for the last two months, uncertain about what to do with my life. From a far-out viewpoint, this is an amazing thing: It means life is good.

Issues that have been keeping me on my toes and off my pillow for a few years have resolved in the best possible way. Such as. I have been dealing with the IRS about a most discomforting matter, which arose, like many matters with the IRS, from not knowing something that I should have known but had no way to know I should know. How did I get to know? A friend mentioned something some pundit said on the radio, which, instead of lamenting the existence of pundits, had me run to my computer and find a really good lawyer. To add to goodness, it all ended in the most favorable possible outcome (the unlikely but not impossible worst case being financially catastrophic). Such as. I discovered about six months ago why my sinuses were still giving me so much trouble, why I couldn't sleep well, and why I was a more wretched person to be around than necessary (and I am pretty wretched to live with on a good day). The miracle cure? Look for an upcoming blog. And keep your wallets handy, because I would totally monetize this if I was not such a hopelessly bad entrepreneur. But keep your wallets handy anyways, and I'll revel in the knowledge of unrealized possibilities, and you can revel in the relief that you'll get a miracle cure for free.

Such as. My basic needs and much beyond are met. My kids so far have avoided the criminal justice system, illegal drugs, and unintended pregnancies, which makes me feel like a successful parent. They've also grown mostly up, but I don't think I can take credit for that. I have not been sued for liability. My snake hasn't strangled any burglars, and the drunk guy that entered my yard in the middle of the night to knock at my bedroom door did not fall into the pond and drown. I did install a lock on the backyard gate after that.

Life is unfocused. After being driven by outside forces for so long (extrinsic motivation), I am not sure what I want (intrinsic motivation). Well, I want many things, but none of them badly enough to suffer; none of them seem worthwhile any extraordinary effort, and ordinary effort just won't get me there.

A couple of years ago I took a class called "Search Inside Yourself". I decided to revisit for inspiration, and under "Motivation" Meng mentions the exercise of writing two eulogies. The first one is, what would people write in your eulogy five years (or ten or whatever) from now if your life continued on its current track. The second one is the eulogy you would want people to give you. Chances are, there will be some differences, especially if you've read this far. This is an awareness practice, so no action is necessary; but even just thinking about it has started to shift my perspectives in unexpected ways.

For starters, I will get that novel finished and out the door.